It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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