seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
