This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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