At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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