had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Randomize
