Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
