i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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