Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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