i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
