Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
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