When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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