okay pat passed out under dana's car
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
