Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
