yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
