I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Randomize