woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
