I'm gonna have a badass scar
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
