Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize