I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
