i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
