hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
