make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
