worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
