I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
