My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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