So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
