He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
