One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
