Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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