Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
ok first of all what the fuck
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
