I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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