just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
