Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
