i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
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