Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
