Little spoons don't ask big questions
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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