so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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