if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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