im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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