this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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