So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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