Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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