I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
