I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
