grandma shit on top of the toilet
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
