Im at strip club and am horny
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Randomize
