We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
