I'm lost and stupid without you.
why do cheetos always look like penises
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
