I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
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