I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
