He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Randomize
