uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
