he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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