Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
