Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
