My liver just broke up with me...
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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