when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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