apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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