If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
