Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
