I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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