Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Randomize
